In a parallel universe, I am a witty humour writer that spends her day penning clever repertoire making up my own deadlines and taking commercial breaks from my scintillating radio talk show about hockey moms.  Back on earth, however, the day-to-day me has a real day job.  And the day-to-day me has spent the past three days at health and safety certification training (it’s true:  I need to work on my rock-paper-scissors technique).  Three days… 24 hours … I’ll just never get those back.  Three days of the Occupational Health and Safety Act, important regulations for the service sector, duties and responsibilities of employers, supervisors, workers and certified members of the joint health and safety committee. 

Note the last phrase:  certified members of the joint health and safety committee.  That would be me.  First, however, I must successfully pass the test which was administered at the end of the course.  Does anyone else still stress over the word “test” years after graduation?  I did a little gulp when I discovered that our class was being administered four different tests.  Yeah, I know!  I could not even count on my colleague – she was given a different test!  My goodness, these government folk are clever.  Anyway, no need to angst, the test was a breeze, a cinch, un morceau de gateaux.  Allow me to provide you with an abbreviated version of the test just in case you’re ever called upon to do health and safety certification training.  I’m sure you’ll agree how entirely accurate were my answers when asked to define the following terms:

Certified: Okay, you mean any “mom”, right?

 Competent person:  A competent person is someone who can feed the dogs, order pizza, and pour my wine, – at the same time.  Come to think of it, this goes beyond competence.  This would be true talent.

 Internal Responsibility System – Is this the principle behind my friend flushing my car keys down the toilet the minute I arrive at her house?  Or is this the one where my husband asks me if I’m coming home or planning on sleeping under that table all night?

 Dangerous circumstance:  A dangerous circumstance refers to a situation in which I wake up and find out we’re all out of coffee.  Not good.  Very dangerous circumstance.

 Confined space: A confined space is a fully or partially enclosed space not designed or constructed for human occupancy – aka what passes for the bedroom my two teenage sons share.

 Exposure Limit – When my eyes start to water when exposed to my boys’ “confined space”, I know I have reached my maximum Exposure Limit.  The current Time Weighted Average limit (or TWA) is 0.05 seconds.  Should Expsoure Limit be reached, please refer procedures outlines in Regulation 632, section 17 regarding Preventing Unauthorized Entry.

 WHMIS – Refers to current available wine supply (Women’s HomeMade Intoxicating System)

 There you have it!  Pretty impressive, don’t ya think?  I sure hope I passed!.  My employer will be so proud.  

I am sooooooooo going to get Employee of the Month…

7 Responses to It's not easy being truly, totally certified…

  • My sympathies Astra, those things are killers, closely followed by the Red Cross first aid course. B-O-R-I-N-G. I’d be surprised if anybody remembers anything the next day because they make your brain mush before the first break and long before you have to start giving the baby CPR!

  • Your hysterical. I approached this post with my serious self and ended up laughing and relating with your definitions. I was thinking you could add ‘functionally insane’ and others as well. What fun. I feel a post coming on. On a serious note, you should be the employee of the month, if not for skills at saving at saving people, for making me laugh before I’ve had my first cup of coffee.

    • Thanks Brenda. I know it was a serious course and I was thinking afterward that I would – years from now – forget I even took it!

  • ‘You’re not Your’.. clearly coffee is required.

  • First, I must tell you that I, too, suffer from test anxiety years after taking actual tests. Even though I’m in graduate school, we do not have tests. We have thesis papers and massive research projects. And still, I have nightmares about tests. I have dreams that I am enrolled in several college classes, and there is always one in particular I have not gone to. I do not know the content, let alone what will be on the test. It terrifies me beyond belief. Enough about me. I have to say that my definition of “dangerous situation” is precisely the same as yours. That or being all out of wine on a particularly difficult day. I’m certain your employer agrees that you’re invaluable 🙂

    • Oh my God, Laura, I have exactly those same dreams!! I get my exam schedule and I realize I never went to one of the classes 🙁
      I can’t believe you’re a mother, teacher and student… wow. Thanks, as always, for stopping by (as I realize how precious your free time must be!) !

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About Astra
Ottawa mom of 3 poking fun at myself, motherhood, and minor hockey! I am steering through life dodging stinky hockey gear and empty wine bottles.
Buy Astra’s book “Offside by a Mile”!
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