Like many other women, I never even considered a life of crime until I became a wife and mother.  So now I have a confession to make:   I’m a money launderer (or is that launderess?). It’s a great scam but certainly not one I entered knowingly or intentionally.  It’s also a dangerous business considering the RCMP officers and alum in my social circle.  Nevertheless, as a mom with no less than 10 loads of laundry a week, it’s a living.

Okay, it’s time to come clean and air that dirty laundry.
This week I collected 13 cents from the bottom of my boys’ laundry basket.

Then I collected 52 cents from their jean pockets.

I found a crumpled $5 bill in my husband’s golf shorts.

$5.65 cents from a couple of loads of laundry.

That’s a pretty penny, with no investment except for the sweat equity.  Since Canada mints $1 and $2 coins, I normally don’t find too many bills in our laundry but certainly not unusual for me to collect a loonie or two here and there.  I average $1.50 in our weekly laundry either in pre-wash pocket-picking or tumbling about the dryer.  Sadly, my daughter’s clothes yield nothing but the hole burned in each pocket that may have at one point held a coin but has long since disappeared into the till of the local convenience store.

The loose change I collect on a weekly basis would surely buy a homeless person lunch; however, my intentions are far more capitalistic. The motto of this money launderess?  Finders Keepers!

$1.50 a week in change is $78 a year!  Having invested this $78 in Apple Computers when I married 20 years ago, I am now ready to pay for my son’s first year of university!  The $78 from the year after, I invested Disney stock and I am set to pay for my flight to Florida (to visit Disney World of course).

[Note:  I’m making this all up by the way, by the way]

People, forget the Swear Jar –  especially since, if you’re at all like me, it’s entirely self-funded.  We are talking some serious income –yielding investments here!  Money laundering is producing my nest egg!

The downside to mining this wealth, of course, is the less appealing bonuses often yielded like chewed gum, used tissues and the occasional baby tooth.  But like any dangerous business, the money laundering market carries with it some risk – risk that I say is worth enduring for the sake of enhancing my financial future.

Take it from me: doing the laundry is a gravy train (or stain) and is a perfectly safe way to lose your shirt and make ends meet (and socks too, if you’re really lucky).

I felt a day late and a dollar short-changed while my kids were away at camp (and believe me, post-camp laundry is no cash cow and certainly produces no riches worth saving) but September is just around the corner when routine – and income – will be the norm once again.

I don’t take any wooden nickels, but if you have any other domestic investment advice, I’d love to hear your two cents!

15 Responses to My life of crime: Domestic Investments 101

  • This was hilarious (and so true!)…I make at least a latte’s worth in coins when I do my kid’s laundry. Not a bad tip, huh? LOL

  • Am I ever familiar with this. I’ve found all manner of things in laundry, some good (money), some bad (lipstick, *after* I took the clothes out of the dryer; fortunately, the lid stayed on and nothing came out with Wicked Red streaks).

    I suggest that you give your kids their allowance and insist that *right then* that they put said money into a pocket. They’ll totally forget it. You’ll get a great return on your investment 8).

  • Oh Astra, you are too funny! It takes someone truly witty (possibly delerious?!) to make fun out of doing family laundry. I’m sure glad you did though, otherwise I wouldn’t have had my belly laughter for the day. You rock girl.

  • I follow the rule, what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine (this pertains to all those who dwell under the same roof as me). Sadly, this isn’t a full proof investment. What I glean from the hubby, the children glean from me. I lend twenty for a ticket at the movie and demand my change. I am still waiting. I’ve noticed if I lend in large increments, such as a twenty, there is a guarantee of no change, but if I give out five ones, I get change. Funny how that works. If you get rich before me, I’ll be visiting,

  • Ha! My kids aren’t old enough yet, but when they start carrying change, I’ll start doing the laundry more than once every two weeks. And that’s a promise.

  • Amen to laundered money! What I found in the washing machine today alone will pay for tomorrow’s groceries.

  • Astra,it’s been too long since I’ve visited your blog! Forgive me, my friend, I’ve been away on passionate pursuits! (Namely trying to spot Javier Bardem in Spain, an endeavor which failed miserably, I might add.) Nevertheless, I’m so happy to be back and getting having quite the chuckle with your money laundering schemes. Who would’ve thought! And here I thought the big money lay in charging the men that share my abode for making meals! This little business of yours is something I want in on! And yet I have to wonder just how many euros I can make with these poor as church mice tenants of mine! hee hee! I shall keep you posted! 🙂

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About Astra
Ottawa mom of 3 poking fun at myself, motherhood, and minor hockey! I am steering through life dodging stinky hockey gear and empty wine bottles.
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