Like many other women, I never even considered a life of crime until I became a wife and mother. So now I have a confession to make: I’m a money launderer (or is that launderess?). It’s a great scam but certainly not one I entered knowingly or intentionally. It’s also a dangerous business considering the RCMP officers and alum in my social circle. Nevertheless, as a mom with no less than 10 loads of laundry a week, it’s a living.
Then I collected 52 cents from their jean pockets.
I found a crumpled $5 bill in my husband’s golf shorts.
$5.65 cents from a couple of loads of laundry.
That’s a pretty penny, with no investment except for the sweat equity. Since Canada mints $1 and $2 coins, I normally don’t find too many bills in our laundry but certainly not unusual for me to collect a loonie or two here and there. I average $1.50 in our weekly laundry either in pre-wash pocket-picking or tumbling about the dryer. Sadly, my daughter’s clothes yield nothing but the hole burned in each pocket that may have at one point held a coin but has long since disappeared into the till of the local convenience store.
The loose change I collect on a weekly basis would surely buy a homeless person lunch; however, my intentions are far more capitalistic. The motto of this money launderess? Finders Keepers!
$1.50 a week in change is $78 a year! Having invested this $78 in Apple Computers when I married 20 years ago, I am now ready to pay for my son’s first year of university! The $78 from the year after, I invested Disney stock and I am set to pay for my flight to Florida (to visit Disney World of course).
[Note: I’m making this all up by the way, by the way]
People, forget the Swear Jar – especially since, if you’re at all like me, it’s entirely self-funded. We are talking some serious income –yielding investments here! Money laundering is producing my nest egg!
The downside to mining this wealth, of course, is the less appealing bonuses often yielded like chewed gum, used tissues and the occasional baby tooth. But like any dangerous business, the money laundering market carries with it some risk – risk that I say is worth enduring for the sake of enhancing my financial future.
Take it from me: doing the laundry is a gravy train (or stain) and is a perfectly safe way to lose your shirt and make ends meet (and socks too, if you’re really lucky).
I felt a day late and a dollar short-changed while my kids were away at camp (and believe me, post-camp laundry is no cash cow and certainly produces no riches worth saving) but September is just around the corner when routine – and income – will be the norm once again.
I don’t take any wooden nickels, but if you have any other domestic investment advice, I’d love to hear your two cents!