Did I tell you I’m a hockey mom? I’m pretty excited for this season, now that all my three kids are now all finally settled on to their respective hockey teams. I have one playing Minor Midget RepB, another playing Bantam House A and my youngest, my daughter, playing Peewee House. All goalies. Yes, as a matter of fact I am in the market for a new flask, thanks for asking! Have you seen these? On my Christmas wish list but not sure if I can wait that long! Not sure if I can make it past this weekend!
Nevertheless, there are some new parents on our three teams and given that I am a pro (it’s pretty much official: I’ve now been circulating the arena scene much longer than I ever circulated the night club scene), I think it’s only fair I warn them about my Top Hockey Parent Peeves. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental (but you know who you are):
If you insist on repeatedly pointing out to all parents on our team, that your child had about 30 seconds less ice time than any of the other players you will be voted off my Zamboni waaaay before the tribe has spoken (and my zamboni has a marguerita maker … your loss!). I’m pretty sure the coach will do his or her best to even it out over the next 42,420 seconds of possible game time over the course of the season.
Pet Peeve #2
If you’re that good a coach, why aren’t you behind the bench? Uh, maybe it’s because you’re not actually that good a coach. If you insist on coaching your kid from the stands, I will give you the stink eye. If you yell, “Kill him!” more than once a season (we all make mistakes), I may have to kill you myself.
C’mon, be serious. The ref might NOT actually need glasses, might NOT be skating with his eyes closed and is probably perfectly aware of the fact there are two teams on the ice. This is not a full time gig for them, you know. If the referees were really that great, do you honestly think they’d still be officiating minor league hockey games earning $20 a game? Therefore, as h-u-m-a-n, they might actually miss the occasional hook, trip, offside or kicked-in goal. Give them – and me – a break, please.
You needn’t incessantly point out that your kid is better than everyone else’s. We get it: s/he’s good. But we’re all crazy hockey parents here and believe me, if your kid is really that good, s/he would be playing one or two levels up, as you insist s/he should be. If you actually think you kid is going to the NHL, let me ask you this: How many kids play hockey in Canada? Answer: almost all of them (okay, but I’m sure I’m close). How many kids make it to the NHL? Answer: almost none of them. Here’s a plan: start saving for your retirement.
Plastic wine glasses. I have a travel wine glass and a portable frig that holds exactly 3 bottles of wine (and perhaps some milk and juice for my kids). What does this have to do with hockey (actually, nothing; like most of my posts about hockey)? There are a lot of compromises I will make while staying at the Super8 Motel while at hockey tournaments, but drinking out of plastic is not one of them. I have standards. Please don’t call me a princess – you and your sweaty beer can dripping with condensation will just have to get over it. And please don’t break my wine glass.
You see? I am a very reasonable hockey mom! I’m here to have fun … just like your child, by the way. Avoid these pet peeves of mine, and we shall all have a lovely season.